How you can support your child Expand You and your child may experience a real sense of loss, missing the company of the loved one who is in prison. The typical “stages of grief” model may help you understand how your child reacts: Shock Your child may show signs of disbelief and laughter, and askif the person telling them the news is joking. In response, they may switch to auto-pilot and try to carry on as normal; or they may have an extreme reaction, sobbing uncontrollably. Supporting your child through shock: Do not appear alarmed at the child’s response – especially if it seems inappropriate (eg laughter). It is important to reassure your child that feelings of numbness/disbelief are normal. When you are explaining the situation to the child, it is important to keep your language clear and simple so that there is no misunderstanding. Importantly, reassure the child that you are there for them and will listen to and answer their questions Denial Your child may not accept the loss and pretend that nothing has happened, refusing to believe that their family member is gone. This may result in them lying about the situation, to others and to themselves Supporting your child through denial: Give your child time to process and accept the truth – denial is a protective mechanism and the child will move passed this with time. It is also important to talk openly with the child – reassure them that they can talk to you about what has happened and that they won’t get in trouble for asking questions about imprisonment Anger Your child may be mad at the world and blame others. They may get easily frustrated and over-reactive, blowing up over the smallest event. They may also use anger to cover up their hurt/sadness, and lash out at those not involved in the situation Supporting your child through anger: If they are hurting themselves/others, explain that whilst it is OK to feel angry, it is not OK to hurt themselves/others. You could encourage your child to have an outlet for their anger in a safe way – eg exercise (running) or hitting a pillow. It is important to reassure the child that they should not feel guilty about being angry at their imprisoned family member – this is a natural response and does not mean that they do not love their family member. It is also key that you remain constant and do not get upset if they get angry towards you: this will reinforce the fact that you are there to support them no matter what. Bargaining Your child may try and “make deals” to change the situation – e.g “if Dad comes back I will be good forever” or “if I make the house clean and tidy, Mum will come back” Supporting your child through bargaining: Explain that there is nothing they can do that will bring their loved one back – the family member is not in prison because of them and therefore they can’t do anything to get them out of prison. Be aware that even in spite of your reassurances, your child may continue to bargain as it makes them feel that they are doing something helpful for their loved one. Guilt Guilt can be seen as anger turned inwards – your child may blame themselves for their family member’s imprisonment. Your child may also feel guilt for any enjoyment they feel, either because they think they shouldn’t be happy whilst their loved one is away, or because they feel they shouldn’t be happy if their loved one isn’t happy - eg feeling guilty for enjoying an ice-cream when Dad can’t enjoy an ice cream in prison Supporting the child through guilt: Reassurance is key for feelings of guilt – it is important to tell them that they are not to blame. It may also be helpful to explore with your child how and why they feel responsible, and then respond to their reasons by explaining how and why they are not responsible. It is also helpful to encourage your child to talk about how they are feeling/what they are thinking Depression You may see signs of depression in your child – they may not want to be with their friends, they may withdraw and refuse to go to school, they may continuously cry, and there may be significant changes in their appetite and sleep patterns. Supporting the child through depression: Ensure that your child knows that their feelings are important – especially as they may have low self-esteem and feelings of worth. It is also helpful if you can encourage your child to participate in their usual hobbies, sports and existing friendships. It is important to note that there is a difference between showing signs of depression and suffering with depression, and if you become concerned about the child’s mental health, you should talk to a GP. Acknowledgment This is where the child acknowledges and believes that the loss is real, and they show signs of being willing to move on – e.g “My brother isn’t here anymore” and “I am going to be OK”. Supporting the child through acknowledgment: Help your child to understand that it is OK to become interested in life again and that this is not disrespectful to their imprisoned family member. You can also reassure the child that although things have changed, this does not mean that they won’t have a happy life or an exciting future ahead of them.
How will my child respond to the news? Expand Every child is different and how they will respond to the news will also vary from child to child. Your children may ask you a lot of questions about prison – being able to answer these can help reassure your child and stop them being concerned about how their loved one is. Some children imagine prisons as being a lot worse than reality, and they may be curious as to what their loved one does all day. It can reassure your child if they are able to imagine what their loved on is doing and where they are living. You may find’s Pact’s resources “My Visit” and “Visiting Mum” useful tools here. On the other hand, your child may just accept the information and not want to talk about it further. Some children may feel sorry for their loved one in prison, or they may feel angry and let down that their loved one has had to go away and leave them. Some children may feel that they are to blame for the imprisonment as well – it is important to reassure them they are not. Some children may be embarrassed or ashamed, or some may be proud. Some children might feel a whole range of emotions depending on the day. Some will be very upset and you may see some changes in their behaviour – this may happen as they learn to adjust and come to terms with the information and their loved one’s absence from home.
How to tell my child Expand a) What do they already know? It may be useful to think about what your child already knows – did they witness men in uniforms coming in their home? Have they overheard any conversations they may not quite understand? Older children may well have guessed what has happened, or overheard gossip, or read the headlines in the paper or online. If your child has witnessed the arrest, then this may be particularly distressing and they will need explanations and comfort to help them deal with the experience, particularly if force was used by the police, such as kicking the front door down, or handcuffing their loved one in from of them. Your child’s home and community may suddenly feel unsafe for them, and they may be distrusting towards the police, or people in uniforms. After a loss, children need support, stability, and honesty. Children may blame themselves for what happened and the truth helps them see they are not at fault. Children may also imagine the situation as being a lot worse than the reality so the truth may reassure them and put their minds at rest. b) The age of the child The age of the children is important to consider when deciding how to tell them and how much information you should give. For younger children, you may not want to explain why they are in prison, but say something like “You know your daddy’s away – did you know that the place where we are going is called a prison? That means he can’t come home for three birthdays, but we will keep visiting him so he knows we still love him”. Older children will need much more information – and in this day and age they will get it somehow. If you are the one to tell them, you will not only have some control over the quality of that information, but you can also have some influence over its emotional impact. c) When to tell the child It is important to think about where and when to tell a child; this should not be at a time of distress or trauma, as it will be difficult for them to comprehend the news. It is worth bearing in mind the time of day, some research suggests that first thing in the morning is not the best time as children are collecting their thoughts and the evening can be difficult as children will have lots of thoughts to deal with. It is worth considering where you tell them, we would recommend this to be an informal environment, possibly when they are playing so they are comfortable and in familiar surroundings. If the child is younger, think about what is calming for them, this could be a toy or a comforter that they have with them. Do think about the language you use, making sure it is age appropriate and said in terms they can relate to. d) Who should tell the child? Most people prefer to hear difficult news from someone they can trust, and in some cases, this may not necessarily be the parent - it could for instance be from another member of the family. As the parent/carer, you are the expert in the child and how they will react, so think about who is best placed to talk to them and where, when and how to broach the subject. It is also important to work with other people that are supporting the child in their life – so do speak to your child's nursery, school or college to ask for support and to find another trusted adult in whom the child can confide. e) What to tell the child Most children will want to know where their family member is and why. A child may have a very simple idea of good and bad, especially younger children. They may feel that if a parent or family member has gone to prison, it makes that person a bad person - and maybe that makes them (their child) bad too. Children strongly identify with parents as role models - sons with fathers and girls with mothers particularly. So it's very important to reassure a child that although their family member may have done a bad thing, it doesn't mean that they are a bad person - and it doesn't mean that the child isn't loved. Nor does it mean the child is going to be bad. You may have strong feelings about the family member’s offending, and it's ok to tell a child that you feel cross or angry that the person has been 'naughty' or done a bad thing, as they are likely to pick up on your emotions. Children get very conflicted about all of this so it's good to be honest and open and clear about these things so that children don't feel that they should also be or do bad things - in order to be like their parent or big brother. The child may also need reassuring that their family member is safe and that they will be able to see or talk to them. It may help your child to try to give them a sense of the future – you could encourage them to count days to special events such as the next visit, birthdays. Some prisons run homework clubs or special family days where children can visit in a more relaxed environment. There are also lots of different ways that you can help your child maintain contact with their loved one – your child could send in letters or artwork, and can even email their loved one, and the imprisoned family member will be able to call the child. Many prisons also have access to Storybook Dads or Mums, where parents in prison can record stories on a CD to send to their children. If you would like support on telling a child about a family member being imprisoned, call our free helpline on: 0808 808 3444 or email [email protected]
Making up a story Expand We often hear from families where their children have been told that their loved one is “working away”. However, keeping this story going can be difficult to maintain for long, especially if you want your child to visit their loved one – once children learn to read, they will be able to understand the signs saying that they are in a prison. Children may also know the truth and feel they have to “go along” with the story because otherwise they will be in trouble – this can create feelings of worry for the child. “At first I tried to pretend this was college I was at. But one day my daughter said she wanted the TV on during visit and I said we weren’t allowed. So she said “Can’t you ask the officers?”. I’d always called them teachers and she looked really ashamed of letting it out and I realised she knew this was a prison. I was amazed how she’d picked it up – she’s only five!” (Mother in prison) A cover story may work for a time, but it is better if you, as their mother, father or other close relative can decide who tells what, when and how, in the best way possible to help your child feel safe and to help them maintain their trust in adults.
What if I just say nothing? Expand Children are often aware of much more than we give them credit for. Your child may be able to sense tension or a change of atmosphere at home. Your child may also be confused as to where their loved one is, and they may imagine things which can be far worse than reality, which will worry them more. The parent or carer left behind may understandably feel very angry or let down by the person sent to prison. Children will pick up on a parent/carer's mood, but may think it's directed at them. There is no guaranteed way to protect children from finding out what has happened to their loved one by other means – from school friends, neighbours, the press and social media such as Facebook. It will be more hurtful to your child if they find out in this way, because you will not be there to support your child, explain the situation and help them come to terms with it.
What and how do I tell the children when a loved one goes to prison? Expand It is every parent’s right to decide how and when to tell the children – and this should be the question to ask yourself, rather than “shall I tell the children”. Providing a time and space to speak with your children and allow them to ask any questions they may have will provide a safe environment for your children, where they will be able to understand that none of this is their fault and they should not be ashamed.
Who else can help? Expand Want to know what other organisations are out there who can support you and your family? Click here to find out more.